Just Exhale

I had a good day today...took care of some stuff here and there and just enjoyed strolling around
Sometimes it's just about taking care of myself and appreciating a sunny day
I'm just glad I'm slowing down and listening to my intuition more and more
It knows the way

I also talked to a couple of friends today who are going through some tough times internally
They've got jobs so money isn't the problem
It's the emotional stuff that's getting in the way of them seeing themselves clearly
So they reach out to me once in a while for an objective reality check, and I do the same with them when I'm endlessly chasing my tail or just beating the shit out of myself or both
I need touchstones to ground myself now and then
We all can be so fucking hard on ourselves

I went through a bit of dark time lately where I was working my ass off with little return
I was grumpy, spent and irritable most of the time I was awake
The finish line was all I could see, but the faster I went towards it, the farther away it got
I needed a break...cool my jets, take a breath and relax
It was only then that I was reminded of the importance of taking time to enjoy myself
Whether it's having coffee with an old friend or seeing that flick that I've been looking forward to,
life is all about the exhale...

I recently saw some people I used to hang with, and it was great to catch up with them
We all roamed the same campus years ago, and it had been awhile since we broke bread
But they all gave me a pretty consistent message:
"We miss you...be great to see you come around more...it's not the same without you."
Huh? People actually notice when I'm not around? No shit
Talk about a jolt to the self-esteem
From where I come from, I've done a lot of work to accept the fact that people dig me, that I have value, that I matter
Sounds new agey cliche, but believe me, it's taken awhile for me to accept the fact that I ain't broken
I've been letting go of the old belief system and welcoming the new
The most important thing we'll ever do is recover ourselves, recover our spirit, recover that sunny day

If you've been giving yourself a hard time, I suggest that you stop
You're a good person
You mean well
You have a lot to offer those around you
There's no mistake you've made that can't be amended
And there's nothing you'd still like to do that eventually can't be done
Even if you don't believe these words, believe that I believe these words for you
You ain't broken, you're just going through some changes
Just exhale

The Bull Rests

I was walking home last night doing something new...worrying about my life
This year has been filled with change, loss and more change...
I guess it's something that all people over 30 go through, but I've gotten really good at analyzing every bad decision I've ever made since I was 16, and then using said material as evidence of me being a dumbass
Not sure if you can relate, but I'll tell ya, it don't feel good

I know, I know...we all make mistakes, no one's perfect, blah, blah, blah...
I wrote the book on looking on the bright side
Last night, I was just going to town on myself, angry that I've not accomplished more, been to more places, met more people, let go of old ideas more, you get the drill

And for sure, I know I'm not the only one
Most of the people in my circle and around me are facing the same shit
They're looking at themselves in the mirror and saying, "What the fuck happened?"
Well, life happened

I'm not being a pessimist...I understand the value of the power of positive thinking and that jazz
I'm talking about reality, people
Sometimes you look back and say, "Man, it's been fucking tough!"
Now, if you don't relate to this, then you can stop reading right now
But, if you can identify with some real hard lessons being learned from an early age, then welcome to the club
The club of hard knocks and doing whatever it takes to keep the mustard seed of hope alive

When I was a little kid, I grew up real quick, maybe too quick
And it seems like since then it's been one fucking thing after another
The details don't matter
It's just right as I was catching my breath, another thing came along that taught me
about dancing with blind faith
To be honest, I'm fucking exhausted

I know the value of The Law of Attraction, meditation, therapy and the like
I thoroughly understand that I'm responsible for my attitude and that in turn creates my life
I get it...
But I'm not in a philosophical mood today, I'm just plain tired

I'm a Taurus, and they say that bulls have real small comfort zones
I've learned how to harness my will power and use it as a battering ram to whatever wall I choose
It's made me a hell of a salesman, not listening to the word NO and never giving up until they've signed
the dotted line or left the premises
I ain't afraid to go straight into any challenge, using sheer brute force to break through to the other side
I've helped a boatload of people overcome obstacles by teaching them the magic of resilience
and determination
Deep sigh...I surrender

Some say, "Well, you're a spiritual being and you chose this life to learn lessons..."
I get it...
But today, I just don't want to hear that fucking bullshit
There's only so much one man can take
I'm tired of pitching myself, telling potential clients how valuable me and my projects are
That big break seems to elude me for now, and frankly, I don't feel like chasing it around the tree today
They say that sometimes instead of grabbing at a butterfly, you just need to sit still and let it land on you
I'm not real good at that

My friends have intuitively given me a message, "Maybe it's time to take a break..."
How the fuck does one do that?
I've got people to call, emails to send, marketing and promoting to do...I've gotta figure this shit out
I guess it can wait...Daddy needs some down time
Maybe I'll see The Social Network...it's been out for weeks

So there I was, walking home last night, feeling hopeless and overwhelmed
I stopped on the corner by St. Mary's Star of the Sea Church and looked up to a bright star in the sky
I said a little prayer...nothing major...just asked for some help
And as the words were being said, I saw a shooting star grace the sky
Who knows...maybe a little wink from the Universe

So today this bull is taking a rest in the shade
Time to turn off the inner committee, listen to the wind and take a nap
Sometimes it's good to do nothing

When Did Ignoring Each Other Become The Norm?

I had a great weekend...

The skies were clear, the BBQ eats were delicious, and the laughs were steady and much needed.

Living the NYC hustle is a balance I'm still trying to achieve...

Most of my days are focused on working the day gig, flexing the creative muscle on the side and keeping play on the agenda...

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm still doing living here, trying to hear my vision call my name rather than my monthly nut.
There's no doubt that if you can make it here, you probably can make it anywhere.

That ain't a cliche people...

New York makes you face your worst fears, tests your truest grit, and offers you the most opportunities for anything and everything...

It's truly high pressured, ridiculously competitive, amazingly expensive and it offers you the ability to fulfill almost every desire one can imagine...

From the Garden to the Met to the newest bars to the outer borough old fashioned neighborhoods that offer a respite from the daily grind, New York is an incredible place to experience...

There's really nothing like it on earth...

I was born in the city, grew up in Tarrytown, went to high school in Jersey and have lived in Brooklyn for awhile now...

I remember 9 years ago when I decided to get my own apartment for the first time in a long time.

The upper West Side was where I was born and thought I'd check it out and see if there was a deal to be had in some studio or sublet gift.

I decided to go to Fairway and walk around its perimeter deciding that since I had the food source I now needed to find the cave...

I buzzed supers in buildings and stopped old ladies on the street asking each of them if they knew of any apartments for around $1000/month, my highest budget.

After they caught their breath from doubling over and laughing hysterically, they each said I was insane for thinking I could touch my own place for under $1500.

At the time, I was a voiceover actor who did much more cater waitering than getting into the recording booth.

I knew what I could afford...

After a few hours I finally gave up on finding a place uptown, and I suddenly recalled a conversation I had with a catering colleague.

She told me about a great little neighborhood in Brooklyn called Cobble Hill...

"Brooklyn?" I exclaimed..."Why would anyone live in Brooklyn?"

She told me it was actually a great borough with good eats, affordable apartments and offered a rare find for NYC residents...peace and quiet.

She said, "Just take the F downtown, and when you get into the borough, just get off at any stop and walk around. You may love it."

Then she added one more suggestion, "Don't tell anyone about it...it's a total secret!"

I thought she was crazy at the time, but now that a reasonable place in Manhattan looked like a complete delusion, I said WTF and hopped on the F train...

As I got to Bergen Street, I thought it was a good name for a stop and got off...

I walked around the neighborhood for hours, asking every real estate broker for a $1000 place, and

I got the same ridiculous look from each of them.

But I kept walking and asking, walking and asking, walking and asking...

The neighborhood started to get my attention more and more, and I could see what my friend was talking about...

The place was so different from the city but still had that New York flavor...

It was old fashioned yet had a young vibe...

Surprisingly enough, I actually liked it...

After walking around for awhile, I came to this cool little second hand store with tons of tchotchkes and assorted knick knacks.

I dig old stuff, and the place had character to spare, so I went inside...

There was a woman behind the counter, and her and her husband owned the store.

Risking another rejection, I asked her the same housing conundrum I was putting to everyone in the neighborhood, "Any cheap apartments around?"

She got right on the phone and started calling friends to see if they knew of a cheap sublet or studio.

I thought to myself, "If I could just get a room with a bathroom and kitchen appliances, I would be so freakin' grateful..."

While she was doing her good deed, I thought I had to buy something from her as a thank you.

There were these cool 60s kitchen wall clocks right by her counter, and I picked a yellow one.

"No luck," she said as she hung up the phone, "But I'll keep you in mind if I hear of anything..."

"Thanks anyway," I said, "Let me get the yellow clock..."

I said my goodbyes, and me and my new purchase left the place...

When I got outside I thought, "Great...I got a clock and no wall to hang it on..."

At this point, I was beat from my walking my ass off and headed for the F train back to the main island.

As I approached the train stop, I hit a couple of more real estate places with no luck for leads...

There was one more realty door right by the subway steps, and I headed inside.

There was this big dude sitting behind a desk in an small, aged office.

"You got any apartments or sublets for around $1000?"

"Not even close..." he responded

"I thought so...thanks..."

As I turned around and put my hand on the door knob to leave, I had this feeling to turn around and ask him again...

"You sure you don't know of anyone who's offering a studio or a sublet for around a grand?"

He put his thinking cap on a bit tighter, took a deep breath and then uttered some very welcome words

"Wait a second, there's a girl right above us who's moving out at the end of the month...

The place is a one bedroom and it'll probably go for around $1000..."

Now whether he was holding back or just happened to recall the upstairs tenant, it didn't matter me...game on

I saw the place a few days later and stuck my flag right in the hard wood floors...

And the rent turned out to be $995...

Talk about a fucking miracle.

Since then I've moved to a different part of the 'hood, and I just realized today that Brooklyn has been the longest home of my whole life...

It's changed over the years with American Apparel nudging their way in, but it still has that old fashioned vibe.

I understand how the life long Brooklynites felt when people like me were moving in years ago.

It's different now since New York Magazine has told everyone in the world about this little village.

In the last year alone, we've had a huge influx of people, babies, bikes and dogs...

Lately, it's felt much more like SOHO than Carroll Gardens...

Crowds lining up at 10am on Sunday mornings for brunch with packs of guys in blazers and girls who look like extras from Sex and the City...

What used to be a quiet neighborhood is now a hazard for racing strollers and throngs of people maneuvering around each other.
People race around the streets now instead of strolling...
The hustle and bustle has made its way here and imaginary express lanes are being grooved into the concrete day by day.

The thing I've been asking myself is, "When did it become the norm to ignore each other?"

I know, I know...the cool city thing is to pass each other on the street, keep to yourself and act like you don't give a shit.

God forbid you're friendly or actually smile at someone...

I was just talking with a friend the other day of how the city is inhabited with so many people yet many of them will admit to it sometimes being a lonely place to live...

But that's where Brooklyn has always been different...

People actually acknowledge each other here...

We say hi...

We introduce ourselves...

We shake hands...

I know, crazy right?

I was hanging out on the sidewalk the other day, and this dude with his girlfriend passed us and was staring at me like I just stole his Starbucks gift card.

I piped up, "Hey man, what's up!"

He was completely startled by my interrupting his Metropolis snarl and he goes, "Uh, hey..."

I was thinking, "Don't bring that shit here bro...we say hi here...we don't stare, walk past each other, and ignore one another..."

I understand the defense mechanisms and necessary walls folks build in order to survive this unbelievably taxing city, but listen up y'all: LEAVE THE RAT RACE SOULLESSNESS IN MANHATTAN

We don't need you to bring the fear...

We need you to acclimate to a refreshing place that has somehow retained its old fashioned roots of common courtesy and local charm...

It's thankfully still a neighborhood where people greet each other as they walk down the street.

The Cool Side of the Pillow

I grew up in New York, and I've never seen so many freakin' 90 degree days and nights...

Global warming shmarming, it's been too damn hot!

It's almost a metaphor for the what's going on with most people I know:
Unbearable heat in their lives personally, financially or both...
Most folks have had a really tough year or two, and they've been facing intimidating challenges day after day...
They're hot, tired and worried...they need some relief
There may not be a dude on the corner selling apples, but most of us are feeling the times

The good news is that we're all in this thing together!
Imagine if you were the only one on your block experiencing an economic slow down...can you say low self-esteem?
Everyone is feeling the same pressure to pay for the house and take care of themselves...
And it's good that we can rely on each other to vent or change the subject when we're taking all this too seriously...
I'm a dedicated figure outer, and sometimes I just need to let it go and go watch a ball game

The other night I experienced one of my favorite parts of this season...the cool side of the pillow...ahhhhhhh!

Even in the dogs days of the summer of 2010, there's always some relief somewhere!

Stay cool,

Rob

A Son's Rite Of Passage

My Dad passed away last week, a day after his 86th birthday...

It's been a bit surreal getting used to the idea of him not being here, but I guess it's a rite of passage we all go through eventually...

He was a great guy, and I'm glad he was able to pass in his own home...

My Dad was my stepdad, but even though we weren’t blood related, we were connected in every other way a father and son can be...

He was a great father to me and we were close friends

There are so many memories I have of him, especially the way he enjoyed life...

He loved so many things, and he taught me how to enjoy and love these things as well

Dad loved skiing…

He took my brother and me to our first ski slope at Brody Mountain, and I remember him helping us learn how to grab the rope tow and get to the top of the hill without falling...

I still love skiing thanks to him

He loved tennis…

We watched some great matches with John McEnroe during the 70s, and Dad had such passion when watching a good game of any kind...

He kept up with the Giants right up until the end...

I still love playing and watching tennis thanks to him

Dad loved the ocean…

He used to take us to Long Beach when we were kids...

He’d pack turkey sandwiches with barbeque potato chips and we’d go for the day...

When I was 7 or 8 I had a fear of the ocean, and I remember him coaxing me to venture into the waves...

We’d go slow, a little farther and a little farther, and then all of a sudden, I was swimming right next to him

He taught my brother and I how to body surf the waves and really enjoy the ocean...

He taught us that when a rough wave is about to come at you, instead of going into it, just duck under it...

I still love swimming, and when I’m out there I think of something else he taught us about rough waters...

He said that whenever the undertow pulls you out, don’t fight it, don’t struggle with it...

Just relax and let the next wave push you back to shore...

That lesson still resonates with me to this day

Dad loved music and theater…

He and my mom would go to the opera and theater often

I still remember when my parents took my brother and I to see Frank Sinatra sing at Carnegie Hall with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra

It was a special event...

I remember driving with him and tape cassettes of The Carpenters and James Taylor on his car seat

And he could dance the lindy pretty well...

He loved a good movie and was known to stay up late catching the end of some flick

I sometimes do the same and think of him

Dad loved driving, and he’s the best driver I ever saw...

Sometimes when we were kids he’d drive with his knees to show us how good he was...

He could park anywhere, anytime...

He taught me how to drive, and when my girlfriend says how well I drive, I think of him as my teacher

Dad loved to laugh, and he had a great sense of humor

As my mom reminded me, he’d sit down in an Italian restaurant and ask the waiter, “Do you serve Chinese food here?”

Dad loved animals…he raised dogs and trained them for years

When we were young, we had a cat named Monty...

He actually taught Monty how to slide down the banister of the staircase in our house

Dad loved adventure…he learned how to fly planes during WWII, and he got me a glider lesson when I was in high school to introduce me to the thrill of flying...

He was always up for doing something, anything that was fun or exciting…

As my nephew recently said, “Ha-papa loved adventure and now he’s on to his next adventure!”

Dad was a great salesman of steel, and loved meeting with customers whether in the field or at dinner…

He was so bright, knowledgeable and helped so many clients in so many different situations…he was so handy

He loved to travel for work and play, and he and my mom enabled my brother and I to explore Puerto Rico as kids…

He taught us how to snorkel and see the most amazing fish, and got us to swim the dangerous waves of Humacao where you have to time it just right getting in and getting out of the water or you could crushed by a wave

And Dad loved to cook and eat...

He was an all-star snacker and a great chef

We all enjoyed his grilled chicken, baked potatoes and garlic bread

His chicken soup was first class and his fresh apple sauce was awesome with potato pancakes

He usually had a fresh tomato patch and we enjoyed many ripe tomatoes right off the vine

He always had a stash of Mallomars, dots, licorice (chocolate or black), and other treats somewhere in the pantry...

Late at night he’d ask me, “Are you hungry? Want some toast? How about some chips?”

He loved telling me about some new dish he was concocting

Dad was also known to partake in Costco cuisine, samples they offer at the megastore

He created an incredible salad that we still call a Mal salad, and I still make Mal eggs

It's just onion and green pepper and it tastes so good

I love fruits and vegetables because of my dad

We always had a bowl of summer fruit in the fridge, and he taught me how to enjoy all kinds of vegetables...

He always took care of himself, and he was a strong man right until he passed...

Dad loved us, his family...

We always had dinner together, and he believed in the spirit of family, of being together...

When I would visit, my mom, him and I would talk and after Mom went to bed, me and Dad would stay up later just catching up, maybe making a snack as well...

He was always supporting me, nurturing me, telling me how creative I was, how bright I was, what a good person I was...

I had some tough moments during my life, and he was always there for me through everything

He always asked how I was, and he was always interested in what I had to say...

He listened like what I said was so interesting to him

He always made me feel special

He always believed in me

In the last couple years, I had a feeling that I should stop and appreciate the moments with him

At a big family meal, I would just stop and look across the table at him

He’d catch me sometimes and just smile at me and I’d smile back...

And that was that

Dad, you are such a special person in my life…a special father, a special teacher and a special friend

Thank you for everything you did for me, you taught me and you passed on to me

Thank you your love and support

I’ll always remember it

I’ll remember your adventuresome spirit and zest for living

And when the undertow of life ever pulls me out to sea, I’ll remember what you said and let the waves

just push me back to shore...

I love you

Rob